jokes

In war soldiers get injured, right? Here's how
different races exclaim:

When the BRITISH got shot - OH MY
GOD.....!!!!
When the MALAY got shot - YA ALLAH....!!!
When the INDIAN got shot - AH-YOYO
AMMAH...!!!
But when the CHINESE Hokkien got shot,
they
go - NABUEH CHEE BYE,
TIOK LIAO...!!!!

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Signal for sex:

Man marries deaf girl. He mimes to
her: "Let's
make a signal code
if we want sex?" She nods and agrees. So
he
goes: "If I want sex,
I'll squeeze your breast. In response you can
shake my penis once
for "yes" and 50 times for "no"....

****************************

Smart Thambi

Thambi ask hooker how much for sex? She
says: $50 on bed, $20 on
sofa and $10 on grass.

He then hands her $50. She says: "You man
of
class, one time on
bed...?"

He says: "NO!! 5 times on grass...."

****************************

Comfort in Friendship:

"Friends" are like underwear; always a
comfort...
"Good friends" are like condoms; always
protecting...
"Great friends" are like viagra; lift you up
when
you're down ...

****************************

New drink from Malaysia:

The Malaysian government has approved the
release of a new drink
made with cutting edge technology.
It's a combination of Horlicks, Milo Kopi &
Teh.
It's called - "LICKMYKOTEH"....

****************************

Expiry date

A 95 yr old man sucks his 90yr old wife's
breast
for 1/2 hour,
drinks 2 drops of her milk and dies...
Post-mortem report - Died of drinking
something
after EXPIRY DATE...

****************************
Biology Lesson

Teacher: A man's penis has 2 key functions:
Urination &
Reproduction.

Student: But my dad uses it to brush our
maid's
teeth.

****************************

Positive thinking

Positive thinking is like this.... A little bird flies
up in the
sky;
you look up and it shits in your eye...
But you don't mind and you don't cry... But you
thank God that cows
don't fly.....

****************************

Sexy Grandma

Last night, grandma wore a see-through top,
grandpa didn't notice.
The 2nd night grandma wore a bikini,
grandpa
got a shock.
And on the 3rd night, she got naked and
grandpa says to her: "why
is your dress so crumpled...???"

****************************

Government job
A guy goes to interview for a Government job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you a
veteran?"
The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two
tours in Vietnam."
"Good," says the interviewer, "That counts in
your favor. Do you
have any service-related disabilities?"
The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled.
During a battle, an
explosion removed my private parts so they
declared me disabled, it
doesn't affect my ability to work, though."
"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have
some good news for you,
I can hire you right now !
Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in
about
10, and we'll get
you started."
The guy says, "If working hours are from 8 to
4,
why do you want me
to come at 10?"
" Well, here at the government, we don't do
anything but sit around
and scratch our balls for the first two hours.
No
point of your
coming in for that !"

-----------------------------------------
Subject: Why women talk so much
A husband looking through the paper came
upon a study that said
women use more words than men.
Excited to prove to his wife that he had been
right all along when
he accused her of talking too much, he
showed
her the study
results.
It read: "Men use about 15,000 words per
day,
but women use
30,000."
The wife thought for a while, then finally she
said to her husband,
"It's because we have to repeat everything
we
say."
The husband said, "What?"