ToP JoKeS...
Top joke in UK
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen.
Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She say to a
man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I'll
hold your monkey for you."
Top joke in Canada
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that
ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA
scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in
zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including
glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.
Top joke in Australia
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all
strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up
this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and
saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and
pasty,my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look
on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says:
"Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight...."
Top Joke in England
Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other
one.He screams, "I slept with your mother!"
The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will
do.The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!"
The other says, "Go home dad you're drunk."
Top Joke in Northern Ireland
A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'. 'Oh
dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient.
The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'.
'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be
worse?' The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.
SECOND PLACE
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner
and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some
hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his
faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson. "And
what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that
there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I
deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically,
I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I
can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant
part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone
has stolen our tent!"
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen.
Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She say to a
man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I'll
hold your monkey for you."
Top joke in Canada
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that
ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA
scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in
zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including
glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.
Top joke in Australia
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all
strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up
this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and
saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and
pasty,my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look
on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says:
"Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight...."
Top Joke in England
Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other
one.He screams, "I slept with your mother!"
The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will
do.The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!"
The other says, "Go home dad you're drunk."
Top Joke in Northern Ireland
A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'. 'Oh
dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient.
The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'.
'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be
worse?' The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.
SECOND PLACE
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner
and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some
hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his
faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson. "And
what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that
there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I
deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically,
I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I
can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant
part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone
has stolen our tent!"
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